Let's Read: The Bible! Pt. 2

Getting into the meat of it now. I've started skipping some sections since literally nothing happens in them besides some old fashioned begetting.


Genesis 6
TL;DR Humans did… something and they all deserve to die

"Some of their daughters were so beautiful that supernatural beings [a] came down and married the ones they wanted. … …The children of the supernatural beings who had married these women became famous heroes and warriors. They were called Nephilim and lived on the earth at that time and even later."
And thats the last we ever hear of the half angels. Seriously, I looked this up. They're never mentioned again.

"I'll destroy every living creature on earth! I'll wipe out people, animals, birds, and reptiles. I'm sorry I ever made them."
Water way to go. ba dum tsss

"Bring into the boat with you a male and a female of every kind of animal and bird, as well as a male and a female of every reptile."
Reptiles, separate from the animal kingdom.

Genesis 7
TL;DR Da Flood

"Take seven pairs of every kind of animal that can be used for sacrifice"
You'd think god could go 40 days without animal sacrifice. This is a real big deal to him in these early testaments.

"Finally, the mighty flood was so deep that even the highest mountain peaks were almost twenty-five feet below the surface of the water."
I love that the bible is so precise with measurements here. It's like it's begging for facts to wreck it up. This one's fine, but the arc measurements really conflict with the whole 2 of every animal thing.

Genesis 8
TL;DR less flood than earlier

"Forty days later Noah opened a window to send out a raven, but it kept flying around until the water had dried up. Noah wanted to find out if the water had gone down, and he sent out a dove."
Fucking unreliable ravens. These bits that seem to exist for no reason are my favorites.

"Noah built an altar where he could offer sacrifices to the LORD. Then he offered on the altar one of each kind of animal and bird that could be used for a sacrifice."
Well, there go the animals. At least there's still reptiles.

Genesis 9
TL;DR Noah gets shitfaced

"All animals, birds, reptiles, and fish will be afraid of you. I have placed them under your control, and I have given them to you for food. From now on, you may eat them"
Hell yeah, eat animals fuck bitches

"But life is in the blood, and you must not eat any meat that still has blood in it."
Uhhhhh… whatever you say there chief.

"If an animal kills someone, that animal must die."
Yeah, that'll teach 'em.

"Noah farmed the land and was the first to plant a vineyard. One day he got drunk and was lying naked in his tent."
This guy Noahs how to party.

"Ham entered the tent and saw him naked, then went back outside and told his brothers. Shem and Japheth put a robe over their shoulders and walked backwards into the tent. Without looking at their father, they placed it over his body.
    When Noah woke up and learned what his youngest son had done, he said,
   "I now put a curse on Canaan!
   He will be the lowest slave
   of his brothers."
What? What just happened? Noah got drunk, his son sees his drunken ass. Then Noah wakes up and makes his grandson a slave? This is a book people live their lives by.

Genesis 11
TL;DR Tower of Babel, then literally nothing happens

"Let's build a city with a tower that reaches to the sky! We'll use hard bricks and tar instead of stone and mortar. We'll become famous, and we won't be scattered all over the world."
This is probably the first thing that seems to make sense to me.

"The people had to stop building the city, because the LORD confused their language and scattered them all over the earth. "
…Seriously? This lesson of the bible has taught me to stomp on sandcastles at the beach

begets…begets…begets…

Genesis 12
TL;DR Abram lies to a pharoah

"When the Egyptians see you, they will say, ‘This is his wife.’ Then they will kill me but will let you live."
That seems like reasonable line of thought Abram.

"and Abram acquired male and female donkeys, male and female servants, and camels."
The camels preferred not to subscribe to preconceived gender roles.

"But the LORD inflicted serious diseases on Pharaoh and his household because of Abram’s wife Sarai. So Pharaoh summoned Abram. “What have you done to me?” he said. “Why didn’t you tell me she was your wife? ""
Seems like Abram would have remembered the whole 'chosen one' thing. Wait, why was he chosen again?

Genesis 13
tl;dr Abram pitches a tent

"pitched his tents near Sodom"
*snicker*

"So Abram said to Lot, “Let’s not have any quarreling between you and me, or between your herders and mine, for we are close relatives. Is not the whole land before you? Let’s part company. If you go to the left, I’ll go to the right; if you go to the right, I’ll go to the left.”"
So Abram said to Lot 'you take the high road and I'll take the low.'

"So Abram went to live near the great trees of Mamre at Hebron, where he pitched his tents."
*snicker*

Genesis 15
tl;dr abram does some weird shit with animals.
"Abram asked, "LORD God, how can I know the land will be mine?" Then the LORD told him, "Bring me a three-year-old cow, a three-year-old female goat, a three-year-old ram, a dove, and a young pigeon.""
Oh, of course.

"Abram obeyed the LORD. Then he cut the animals in half and laid the two halves of each animal opposite each other on the ground. But he did not cut the doves and pigeons in half."
Well, I guess he knew what to do with them

"Then the LORD said: Abram, you will live to an old age and die in peace. But I solemnly promise that your descendants will live as foreigners in a land that doesn't belong to them. They will be forced into slavery and abused for four hundred years."
But you said I'll die peacefully right?

Genesis 17
tl;dr God hates foreskin

"The whole land of Canaan, where you now reside as a foreigner, I will give as an everlasting possession to you and your descendants after you; and I will be their God.”"
Hey, that's nice. Descendants are a real big deal to these bible folks.

"As for you, you must keep my covenant, you and your descendants after you for the generations to come. This is my covenant with you and your descendants after you, the covenant you are to keep: Every male among you shall be circumcised."
Well there it is in black and white. The reason 50% of the population is missing a part of their dick.

"On that very day Abraham took his son Ishmael and all those born in his household or bought with his money, every male in his household, and circumcised them, as God told him."
And what a day that was.

Genesis 18
tl;dr God thinks about dropping the bomb on Sodom

"Sarah was afraid, so she lied and said, “I did not laugh.” But he said, “Yes, you did laugh.”"
~~ThE CaLlOuT~~

"The LORD said, “If I find fifty righteous people in the city of Sodom, I will spare the whole place for their sake.”
 Then Abraham spoke up again: “Now that I have been so bold as to speak to the Lord, though I am nothing but dust and ashes, what if the number of the righteous is five less than fifty? Will you destroy the whole city for lack of five people?”
“If I find forty-five there,” he said, “I will not destroy it.”
Once again he spoke to him, “What if only forty are found there?”
He said, “For the sake of forty, I will not do it.”
Then he said, “May the Lord not be angry, but let me speak. What if only thirty can be found there?”
He answered, “I will not do it if I find thirty there.”
Abraham said, “Now that I have been so bold as to speak to the Lord, what if only twenty can be found there?”
He said, “For the sake of twenty, I will not destroy it.”
Then he said, “May the Lord not be angry, but let me speak just once more. What if only ten can be found there?”
He answered, “For the sake of ten, I will not destroy it.”
When the LORD had finished speaking with Abraham, he left, and Abraham returned home."
Going once… going twice…sold!

Genesis 19
tl;dr Sodomy and Incest

"Before they had gone to bed, all the men from every part of the city of Sodom—both young and old—surrounded the house. They called to Lot, “Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them.”"
A reasonable request.

"“No, my friends. Don’t do this wicked thing. Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them."
I knew this one was coming, but it's still shocking. If you're looking for a good reason to stop listening to the bible I recommend Genesis 19:8

"Early the next morning the two angels tried to make Lot hurry and leave. They said, "Take your wife and your two daughters and get out of here as fast as you can! If you don't, every one of you will be killed when the LORD destroys the city." Lot just stood there."
I'm going to give this one the benefit of the doubt and blame the translation.

"Then the LORD rained down burning sulfur on Sodom and Gomorrah—from the LORD out of the heavens. Thus he overthrew those cities and the entire plain, destroying all those living in the cities—and also the vegetation in the land. But Lot’s wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt."
“No, Lot's wife. You are the demons” And then Lot's wife was a zombie.

"One day his older daughter said to her sister, "Our father is old, and there are no men anywhere for us to marry. Let's get our father drunk! Then we can sleep with him and have children.""
Oh, Genesis 19 you so crazy.

Genesis 20
tl;dr Abraham fucks with the king

"there Abraham said of his wife Sarah, “She is my sister.” Then Abimelek king of Gerar sent for Sarah and took her."
BECAUSE THIS WORKED SO WELL THE FIRST TIME

"God came to Abimelek in a dream one night and said to him, “You are as good as dead""
God then came at Abimelek with a broken beer bottle

"I did it because I didn't think any of you respected God, and I was sure that someone would kill me to get my wife. Besides, she is my half sister"
I wish I could say I'm surprised.


Genesis 22
tl;dr Abraham [almost] sacrifices his son

"Some years later God decided to test Abraham… Go get Isaac, your only son, the one you dearly love! Take him to the land of Moriah, and I will show you a mountain where you must sacrifice him to me on the fires of an altar."
God continues to fuck with people for shits and giggles. This is seriously fucked.

Genesis 25

"Abraham married Keturah, and they had six sons"
Abraaham, at this point is well over 100 years old.

"when Abraham died, he left everything to Isaac."
How many sons did he have again?

" "I'm starving to death! Give me some of that red stew right now!" "Sell me your rights as the first-born son." "I'm about to die," Esau answered. "What good will those rights do me?" But Jacob said, "Promise me your birthrights, here and now!" And that's what Esau did. Jacob then gave Esau some bread and some of the bean stew, and when Esau had finished eating and drinking, he just got up and left, showing how little he thought of his rights as the first-born."
Ah he fell for the ol' soup for birthrights trick

Genesis 26

Isaac moved to Gerar with his beautiful wife Rebekah. He was afraid that someone might kill him to get her, and so he told everyone that Rebekah was his sister.
HEY GREAT IDEA

Let's Read: The bible

Background: It's been a goal of mine for a while now to read the Bible cover to cover. I've got a few reasons for this.
1) Being such an influential book to the human race, it seems like a good thing to have read once.
2) I want the word straight from the horse's mouth. The Bible seems to be misquoted and misconstrued all the time and I want to know what it really says when it comes up.
3) It seems like an interesting way to entertain myself.
4) It's an insight into if the bible can really be a justification for any modern occurrences.

I'll be reading a contemporary English translation because damned if I'm reading all the footnotes in King James.

Genesis 1
TL;DR: God makes ALL the shit

"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth."
Ok,  the very first line and I'm already confused. Why did God do this? Just for shits and giggles? I feel like most mythology has a reason for being.

"God said, "I command a dome to separate the water above it from the water below it. And that's what happened. God made the dome 8nd named it "Sky.""
The sky is literally a dome that surrounds the earth in the bible.

"God looked at what he had done, and it was good"
Why does he keep doing this? It's like when you finish a puzzle and are like 'yeaaaah, I'm the shit'

"Now we will make humans, and they will be like us. We will let them rule the fish, the birds, and all other living creatures."
Humans rule, animals drool.

Genesis 2
TL;DR: Garden of Eden

"The LORD God took a handful of soil and made a man"
Wait what? Didn't he already make a bunch of humans? How does this fit into the 7 days

"Two other trees were in the middle of the garden. One of the trees gave life--the other gave the power to know the difference between right and wrong."
Now I always thought the tree gave knowledge, not morality. Bits like this are why I'm reading this.

"You may eat fruit from any tree in the garden, except the one that has the power to let you know the difference between right and wrong. If you eat any fruit from that tree, you will die before the day is over!"
Oh…

"the LORD made a woman out of the rib. The LORD God brought her to the man, and the man exclaimed, "Here is someone like me! She is part of my body, my own flesh and bones. She came from me, a man."
-Adam, The bible

"Maybe you should listen to Catalina: she's a woman just like Natalie. They're both women, her and Natalie. You and I are men. We're not women. You see, men think different than women. You and I think different than Natalie and Catalina 'cause we are men and they are women. I'm right, right? I'm not wrong... Am I wrong?"
-Randy Hickey, My name is Earl

Genesis 3
TL;DR That mofo snake
"the man and woman heard the LORD God walking in the garden. They were frightened and hid behind some trees. The LORD called out to the man and asked, "Where are you?""
God: created the heavens and earth. Terrible at hide-and-seek

"So the LORD God said to the snake: "Because of what you have done, you will be the only animal to suffer this curse-- For as long as you live, you will crawl on your stomach and eat dirt."
Suck it snakes.

"You and this woman will hate each other"
And the LORD god made women hate snakes, and it was good.

"The LORD said, "These people now know the difference between right and wrong, just as we do. But they must not be allowed to eat fruit from the tree that lets them live forever.""
Yeah, Fuck 'em.

Then God put winged creatures at the entrance to the garden and a flaming, flashing sword to guard the way to the life-giving tree.
Woah, what? Winged creatures? Flaming sword? what's going on he…END OF CHAPTER

Genesis 4
TL;DR Abel gets got
"One day, Cain gave part of his harvest to the LORD, and Abel also gave an offering to the LORD. He killed the first-born lamb from one of his sheep and gave the LORD the best parts of it. The LORD was pleased with Abel and his offering, but not with Cain and his offering. This made Cain so angry that he could not hide his feelings. The LORD said to Cain: What's wrong with you?"
Yeah, NERD

Cain said to his brother Abel, "Let's go for a walk." And when they were out in a field, Cain killed him. Afterwards the LORD asked Cain, "Where is Abel?"
Olly Olly Oxenfree!

""This punishment is too hard!" Cain said."
WAAAAAAAAH!

"Cain beget Enoch beget… x6 ...beget naamah"
I won't even question where the wives came from. I guess the important thing here is we've advanced 6 gens

"One day, Lamech said to his two wives, "A young man wounded me, and I killed him"
I don't even know where to begin with this one.

"Adam and his wife had another son."
…Adam and Eve are still alive?

Genesis 5
TL;DR some begetting it on

"Adam had more children and died at the age of nine hundred thirty"
He must have flossed regularly

"When Lamech was one hundred eighty-two, he had a son. Lamech said, "I'll name him Noah because he will give us comfort, as we struggle hard to make a living on this land that the LORD has put under a curse.""
God's a dick, but I think I NOAH this guy from somewhere


NEXT TIME on Let's Read: The bible, The flood.