Let's Read: The bible

Background: It's been a goal of mine for a while now to read the Bible cover to cover. I've got a few reasons for this.
1) Being such an influential book to the human race, it seems like a good thing to have read once.
2) I want the word straight from the horse's mouth. The Bible seems to be misquoted and misconstrued all the time and I want to know what it really says when it comes up.
3) It seems like an interesting way to entertain myself.
4) It's an insight into if the bible can really be a justification for any modern occurrences.

I'll be reading a contemporary English translation because damned if I'm reading all the footnotes in King James.

Genesis 1
TL;DR: God makes ALL the shit

"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth."
Ok,  the very first line and I'm already confused. Why did God do this? Just for shits and giggles? I feel like most mythology has a reason for being.

"God said, "I command a dome to separate the water above it from the water below it. And that's what happened. God made the dome 8nd named it "Sky.""
The sky is literally a dome that surrounds the earth in the bible.

"God looked at what he had done, and it was good"
Why does he keep doing this? It's like when you finish a puzzle and are like 'yeaaaah, I'm the shit'

"Now we will make humans, and they will be like us. We will let them rule the fish, the birds, and all other living creatures."
Humans rule, animals drool.

Genesis 2
TL;DR: Garden of Eden

"The LORD God took a handful of soil and made a man"
Wait what? Didn't he already make a bunch of humans? How does this fit into the 7 days

"Two other trees were in the middle of the garden. One of the trees gave life--the other gave the power to know the difference between right and wrong."
Now I always thought the tree gave knowledge, not morality. Bits like this are why I'm reading this.

"You may eat fruit from any tree in the garden, except the one that has the power to let you know the difference between right and wrong. If you eat any fruit from that tree, you will die before the day is over!"
Oh…

"the LORD made a woman out of the rib. The LORD God brought her to the man, and the man exclaimed, "Here is someone like me! She is part of my body, my own flesh and bones. She came from me, a man."
-Adam, The bible

"Maybe you should listen to Catalina: she's a woman just like Natalie. They're both women, her and Natalie. You and I are men. We're not women. You see, men think different than women. You and I think different than Natalie and Catalina 'cause we are men and they are women. I'm right, right? I'm not wrong... Am I wrong?"
-Randy Hickey, My name is Earl

Genesis 3
TL;DR That mofo snake
"the man and woman heard the LORD God walking in the garden. They were frightened and hid behind some trees. The LORD called out to the man and asked, "Where are you?""
God: created the heavens and earth. Terrible at hide-and-seek

"So the LORD God said to the snake: "Because of what you have done, you will be the only animal to suffer this curse-- For as long as you live, you will crawl on your stomach and eat dirt."
Suck it snakes.

"You and this woman will hate each other"
And the LORD god made women hate snakes, and it was good.

"The LORD said, "These people now know the difference between right and wrong, just as we do. But they must not be allowed to eat fruit from the tree that lets them live forever.""
Yeah, Fuck 'em.

Then God put winged creatures at the entrance to the garden and a flaming, flashing sword to guard the way to the life-giving tree.
Woah, what? Winged creatures? Flaming sword? what's going on he…END OF CHAPTER

Genesis 4
TL;DR Abel gets got
"One day, Cain gave part of his harvest to the LORD, and Abel also gave an offering to the LORD. He killed the first-born lamb from one of his sheep and gave the LORD the best parts of it. The LORD was pleased with Abel and his offering, but not with Cain and his offering. This made Cain so angry that he could not hide his feelings. The LORD said to Cain: What's wrong with you?"
Yeah, NERD

Cain said to his brother Abel, "Let's go for a walk." And when they were out in a field, Cain killed him. Afterwards the LORD asked Cain, "Where is Abel?"
Olly Olly Oxenfree!

""This punishment is too hard!" Cain said."
WAAAAAAAAH!

"Cain beget Enoch beget… x6 ...beget naamah"
I won't even question where the wives came from. I guess the important thing here is we've advanced 6 gens

"One day, Lamech said to his two wives, "A young man wounded me, and I killed him"
I don't even know where to begin with this one.

"Adam and his wife had another son."
…Adam and Eve are still alive?

Genesis 5
TL;DR some begetting it on

"Adam had more children and died at the age of nine hundred thirty"
He must have flossed regularly

"When Lamech was one hundred eighty-two, he had a son. Lamech said, "I'll name him Noah because he will give us comfort, as we struggle hard to make a living on this land that the LORD has put under a curse.""
God's a dick, but I think I NOAH this guy from somewhere


NEXT TIME on Let's Read: The bible, The flood.